Humorous Quotes

  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

  A good executive is a person who will share the credit with the person who did all the work.

  A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.

  A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

  A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

  A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

  A smile is happiness you'll find right under your nose.

  Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

  Abundance is not about how much money you have... It's how you feel about what you have.

  Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does!

  After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

  All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

  All my life I have wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

  All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband someday.

  Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

  An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

  Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

  Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

  Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

  Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men.

  Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

  Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

  Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.

  Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

  Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

  Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

  Don't complain about free gifts.

  Don't start making plans for something until it is a reality, rather than a pleasant speculation.

  Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

  Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

  Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

  For your information, I would like to ask a question.

  Friendship is essentially a partnership.

  Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.

  He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job.

  He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

  He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

  I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then.

  I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

  I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

  I have never been married, but I tell people I am divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

  I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  I have watched so many mystery stories on T.V, when I turn off the set I wipe my finger-prints off the dial.

  I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

  I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

  I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

  I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

  I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on I said "Implants?"

  I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

  I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.

  I would like to start from scratch. Where is scratch?

  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

  If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

  If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

  If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.

  If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

  If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

  If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

  If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

  If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will.

  If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail.

  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

  In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

  Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.

  Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?

  It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  It doesn't matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.

  It is always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong.

  It is easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is from the top.

  Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

  Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out.

  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

  Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress.

  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

  My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

  My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

  Never argue with an idiot they'll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience.

  Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.

  Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

  Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

  No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.

  No one cares what you do. They care WHY you do it.

  No one is listening until you fart.

  Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.

  Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

  Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

  Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

  One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.

  People change and forget to tell each other.

  People who snore always fall asleep first.

  Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

  Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

  Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

  Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

  Stress is a message. It is a personal invitation to make a change for the better.

  Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

  Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do.

  Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

  The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

  The best way to predict your future is to create it.

  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

  The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

  The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

  The only thing worse than training employees and losing them is to not train them and keep them.

  The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

  The trouble is you almost have to marry a man before you can find out the sort of wife he needs; and usually it's exactly the sort you are not.

  The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

  There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

  There are three sides of an argument: your side, my side and the right side.

  There are two things losers say: "I can't do it" and "I can't afford it."

  There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

  There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

  There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.

  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  Today is the last day of some of your life.

  Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

  Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

  Two things to remember in life: "Take care of your thoughts when you're alone" and "Take care of your words when you're with people."

  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

  What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

  What do you do when the only one who can make u stop crying is the one who made you cry?

  What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

  What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?

  When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

  Who says nothing is impossible. I have been doing nothing for years.

  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

  Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves.

  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  Why the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

  Without geography, you're nowhere.

  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

  Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'.

  You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  You are the same today as you'll be in five years except for two things, the books you read and the people you meet.

  You can observe a lot by just watching.

  You certainly take a long time making your pointless.

Favorite Quotes

  A busy man's desk has no dust on it.

  A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

  A goal is a dream with a deadline.

  A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

  A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

  A vacation should be just long enough that your boss misses you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you.

  Action may not always bring happiness but there is no happiness without action.

  Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting.

  An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

  An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

  Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.

  Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  Be patient and keep struggling.

  Be quick to praise, slower to criticize.

  Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.

  Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.

  Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others.

  Curiosity killed the cat.

  Do not aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.

  Do not complain about free gifts.

  Do not cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

  Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

  Do not pry into other's business.

  Do not solve problems until they happen.

  Do not steal. The government hates competition.

  Do not wish it was easier; wish you were better.

  Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

  Each time you seek to change another, ask yourself this: What will be served by this change - my pride, my pleasure, or my profit?

  Energy and persistence conquer all things.

  Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

  Everyone will get a period of success or satisfaction during his lifetime.

  Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.

  Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

  First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

  Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.

  Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you.

  Get help from qualified people.

  Happiness formula is "Do your best and feel good about it"

  Unhappiness formula is "Compare yourself to others"

  Happiness is what happens to us when we try to make someone else happy.

  He puts the blame on the tools to save his own failure.

  He who stops being better stops being good.

  Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.

  How terrible it was to love people when you could not really share their lives!

  If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him.

  If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great.

  If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.

  If we are waiting for news about someone, it is probably good if we hear nothing because 'bad news' would arrive quickly.

  If we have a problem, we may find the answer after a good night's sleep.

  If we have the determination to do something, we can always find the path or method to do it.

  If you have a dream, give it a chance to happen.

  If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.

  If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you.

  If you light a lamp for someone else it will also brighten your path.

  If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

  If you want to be successful, you must either have a chance or take one.

  If you wish good advice, consult an old man.

  If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.

  In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

  Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.

  It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test.

  It is better not to be taught at all than to be taught badly.

  It is better to regret what you have done than what you have not.

  It is easier to stay out than get out.

  It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.

  It is not what we begin but what we finish that counts.

  It is so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

  It is success only if it works.

  Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.

  Knowledge is like money: the more one gets, the more one craves.

  Knowledge is power, but enthusiasm pulls the switch.

  Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

  Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.

  Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

  Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we should dance.

  Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.

  Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

  Lying is done with words and also with silence.

  Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.

  Many fine things can be done in a day if you do not always make that day tomorrow.

  Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

  Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.

  Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

  Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.

  Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

  Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

  Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.

  No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.

  No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  No wise man ever wished to be younger.

  Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.

  Not spending is the same as earning money.

  Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.

  One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.

  Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.

  Only those who are blameless should blame others.

  Opportunities do not come to those who wait. They are captured by those who attack.

  Our lives are defined by opportunities. Even the ones we miss.

  People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

  People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

  Repair something before the damage is too great.

  Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

  Seize the opportunity when it's available.

  Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear, brilliant is when you know which half.

  Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

  Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.

  Some work only when the boss watches.

  Something that is easy to learn is easy to forget.

  Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

  Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.

  Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted.

  Success is achieved and maintained by those who try and keep trying.

  Success is never wondering what if.

  Success is simple. Do what is right, the right way, at the right time.

  Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

  Success is not permanent, and failure isn't fatal.

  Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

  Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

  The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

  The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.

  The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't.

  The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.

  The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.

  The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

  The greatest mistake you can make is to continually fearing you will make one.

  The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.

  The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have.

  The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they do not have any.

  The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

  The only real mistake is the one from which you learn nothing.

  The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

  The price of greatest is responsibility.

  The problem is past - move on.

  The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.

  The real secret of success is enthusiasm.

  The secret to success is to know something nobody else knows.

  The sun is always shining; you need only remove the clouds.

  The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well.

  The wise man has long ears and a short tongue.

  There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave.

  There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.

  There are no things that have no positive sides.

  There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.

  There is no such thing as public opinion. There is only published opinion.

  There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

  They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

  Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people.

  This one step - choosing a goal and staying to it - changes everything.

  To be wrong is nothing, unless you insist on remembering it.

  To succeed, we must first believe that we can.

  Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.

  Wait for success to celebrate.

  We cannot know what it's like just by looking at the front or back cover. This proverb can be applied to everything, not only books.

  We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.

  We do not have to pay for the things that are really valuable, like love, friendship, good health etc.

  We should not interfere in other people's business. We should live our own lives and let others live their lives.

  What appears to be the end of the road may simply be a bend in the road.

  What counts is not the number of hours you put in, but how much you put in the hours.

  What the mind can conceive and believe, the body can achieve.

  What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.

  When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

  When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

  When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

  When nothing is sure, everything is possible.

  When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

  When one of your dreams comes true, you begin to look at the others more carefully.

  Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Live each day as if your life had just begun.

  When you like your work every day is a holiday.

  Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

  Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

  Will you look back on life and say, "I wish I had," or "I am glad I did"?

  Work when you are able.

  Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are and your reputation is who people think you are.

  You always pass failure on the way to success.

  You always take pride when your child succeeds.

  You appreciate people more when you miss them.

  You can judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

  You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without.

  You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.

  You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing.

  You never know what you got till it is gone.

  You will have everything in life you want, if you just help other people get what they want.

  You were born to win, but to be a winner you must plan to win, prepare to win, and expect to win.

  You will never win if you never begin.